-Kira
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I think Alec might have been about to pass out. He just stood there, frozen, as if he just saw Jesus Christ performing a miracle.
“Um, Alec?” he didn’t move.
“Alec? You in there?” I waved my hand in front of his face. “Hellooooo?” When he didn’t reply, I started to worry. Did I freak him out too much?
“Um…Can you say that again?” he finally asked
“Say what?”
“That…you love me?”
“Um, okay…?I…love you?”
“Now hit me.”
“What?”
“Hit me.”
“Um…okay?” I slapped him hard in the arm.
“Ow!”
“Well, I’m sorry, but you told me to!”
“No, it’s fine. And I’m not dreaming, unless that dream-hurt…” I stepped on his foot.
“Again, ow!”
“Was that a dream-hurt or a real-hurt?” I mocked.
“Real hurt, thank you. So, do you really mean it? I mean, the love thing?”
“Yes, and please don’t make me say it again. It was hard enough the first eight times.”
“Well, excuse me for not taking the time out of my day to learn six foreign languages. Unlike some people.”
“I didn’t. I honestly had no idea what language I was speaking. It was weird.”
****
It was getting closer and closer to the winter break. I had plans to go Skiing with Tegan and Jade, go to a Christmas party at Emily’s with Sara and Roxy, and spend ‘quality time’ with mom, Nate, Sarah, Katie, Anna, and Dave. My mom also thought it’d be a good idea for me to see my dad, but I was carefully avoiding the topic.
You see, a few years ago, my dad met this guy who believed in vampires. He was also a motivational speaker, so, using one of his speeches, he convinced my dad to spend the next three years searching for vampires. His girlfriend Kelly broke up with him, my mom got full custody of me and Nathen, and that was that. I used to talk to him on the phone, and every now and then we’d have lunch together, but I haven’t spent a Christmas with him in two years.
I mean, think of it this way. If I told him I was a vampire, he might go get his vervain. That I could deal with. Now, if I told him that I was dating a 16/325 year old vampire who used to work for an evil dude and can read minds, well, he just might go inside and get his wooden stakes AND his shotgun (you know how it is with fathers and their daughter’s boyfriends…).
Anyways, my mom kept insisting I go, and I just kept telling her that he’s crazy and I don’t feel exactly safe around him. But she kept giving me that look that says “my way or the highway”, so I cracked and promised I would go for two hours on Christmas Day.
****
“Hey, Kieyra, wanna be my partner in gym?” Sara tapped me on the shoulder from her desk, which was behind mine.
“Um, yeah, sure.” In gym class we were doing Badminton, so we had to pick partners. Badminton was always one of my favorite sports, because it was a sport where you got to hit a little ball thingy with a racket.
After we set up the nets and got our rackets, Mrs. Stewart got called down to the office for something and told us all to just practice for five minutes until she got back. We all started playing an impromptu game with everyone together, which would have been unsafe if Mrs. Stewart hadn’t provided us with ‘protective goggles’. We heard the door open and close, and then I heard and saw what had to be impossible.
“Can I join?” Sylvie’s voice pounded in my ears. How was she here? We made sure she couldn’t get out! Katie and I exchanged looks.
“Sorry I haven’t been here for awhile. I was kind of tied up in something.” Sylvie winked at me and smirked. I went over to her, grimacing.
“What are you doing here?” I snarled.
“Keeping an eye on you.” Sylvie replied, picking up a racket and Birdie.
“I’ll tell you what. We’ll play against each other, one-on-one. If you win, I’ll leave. But if I win…You never speak to Alec ever again. Are you in?” I thought about this. If I won, no more problems. If I lost, no more Alec.
“Fine then. Let’s go.” Our classmates cheered for us as we took our places on the court.
“Okay, here are the ground rules. There are no boundaries. The whole gym is our court. If it hits the ground on your side, I get a point, and vice versa. First one to five points wins.” Okay, that seemed easy enough. Five points. I could do that.
“Who gets first serve?” I asked.
“Well, because I know you’re gonna lose, you can go first.”
“Fine then, but I won’t lose.”
“We’ll see about that.” I served the birdie over the net. Sylvie hit it so fast I couldn’t even see it until it hit me in the face, making my nose bleed. Sylvie giggled.
“One point for me. ” I scowled, realizing that this wasn’t just a Badminton match, it was a deadly Badminton match. Where were Mrs. Stewart’s protective goggles when you needed them? It was Sylvie’s turn to serve now. This time, when the birdie came flying at my face, I quickly hit it back. It flew right past Sylvie, the plastic part cutting her arm.
“Lucky shot.” She said, frowning. Alyson Levine ran across the gym screaming “one all!” at the top of her lungs, as if it were necessary. It seemed the kids in my class were dividing themselves into “Team Sylvie” and “Team Kieyra”. The people on my team were my friends and most of the guys in my class, while Sylvie’s team was Alyson, Monica, Hannah W., Hannah K., Ric Mayfield, Serena Auger, and Reagan Silver. You would have thought that there were more people on my team, but in truth most of the guys had left for an early lunch and Sara, Emily, Roxy, and Tegan were about ready to.
The game was getting pretty intense. The score was 4-all (as Alyson had clearly announced to the entire world) and it seemed the rally between me and Sylvie for the final point would never end. We were all cut up, and my body ached, but I couldn’t stop playing. This was a matter of death or...Alec, really, and I wasn’t exactly in the mood to give up the one thing (or person) I loved the most.
“Prepare to lose, Gordon.”
“Prepare to eat your words, French.” I was not going to lose. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. With all the anger built up from thinking about losing Alec, I hit the birdie so hard it flew past Sylvie and dented the wall, falling to the ground.
I had won.
“Winning point to Kieyra!” Alyson shouted. Furious, Sylvie shoved Alyson into the wall.
“Well, fine then. I’ll leave. But Damien did give me a message for you.” I immediately dropped my racket and my expression turned serious.
“What message?” Sylvie chuckled, putting away her racket and our blood-soaked birdie. She came over and put her lips really close to my ear, her breath turning the blood in my veins to ice as she spoke.
“Game on.”
Okay, it is definitely more intense.
ReplyDeleteYou probably could have made it even more gruesome and fierce. You have to remember how pissed Sylvie must be. She is going to be cursing and desperately trying to smash Kieyra's head in. So, it could get much rougher if you let it. Put yourself in her shoes and try to feel how upset she is.
Don't get me wrong, it is much improved over the first draft!!
A few comments:
Sylvie needs to spit her words out in a very biting, nasty, and angry way. She needs to express much more BAD attitude toward Kieyra.
The rules for the game should be There Are NO Rules! Whoever gets 5 points first, wins. Beyond that, watch your butt cause I'm coming after it!
Wherever you say Sylvie "replies" or "chuckles" or "giggles"... these utterances should be imbued with evil, she should cackle, or spew or spit words out... Look for more creative words to truly capture her attitude and character.
You mention that Roxy and Tegan etc are about to leave. No way in hell, sister. With this intense, vampire death-match from Hell unveiling, the girls will be glued to the Gym floor ... right to the bitter end. They are transfixed; think about it. These girls are terrified they might see their best friend
lose against this evil b#$&@... or worse... Kieyra might die.
By the way, when the birdie hurtles into the wall, it will probably smash into tiny bits. The birdie is plastic and the wall is probably concrete.
Again, you did a great job of beefing up the intensity. But, don't afraid to get even more intense. It is better to go too far than not far enough. You want your reader to feel how upset and angry Sylvie is. So, you need to characterize that in every posible way... how she talks, how she stomps around... how she reacts to Kieyra, and how she fiercely and violently plays the game.
Don't be afraid to really wrap yourself in the character. Feel how she feels!
Great job!
By the way, I love your ending. "Game on." Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI like the change in focus/intensity for the badminton but I don't think you need all the blood. I thought Sylvie had orders not to hurt/kill you because of the big "plan/prophecy"
ReplyDelete